Your inner critic is not the voice of God

I grew up ‘learning’ that when I failed at something I attempted, it made me unlovable and unworthy of respect. As my self-worth descended, I responded in some unhelpful ways, developing annoying behaviours as I tried either to fit in and be found likeable, or to make things difficult in frustration at the unfairness and inconsistency. As an adult, I’ve spent all the time between then and now working to overcome these weaknesses – and I have a long way to go. I have learnt a lot, though, including – most foundationally – that God’s love for me is very real, profound, and completely dependable.

The old ‘lessons’ still have tentacles that come out in moments of discouragement and repeated difficulty. When I fail at things I attempt now, the conclusion that I’m unlovable and unworthy of respect as a result rears its head. That I am unskilled and unsuccessful as a rule; a sort of inherent quality – like the failure and ‘annoyingness’ were portrayed to me back then. There’s a lot of negative self-talk, which I think, at the time, is justified. Then I remember none of it is true; it’s the response I learnt as a child, not what’s actually real. These are not the messages God sends me, or the lessons He would have me learn.

God treats failure as learning experience. He expects us to take stock, repent if needed, take counsel from Him once more, and move forward. Failure and weakness aren’t final, with Him. They’re elements of the journey. Holiness is developed as we try, fail, learn, try again, and gradually move upward. What we do next is the most important thing, at any moment. This decision is not something to be considered fearfully, but hopefully and determinedly.

I’ve written and thought this to myself time and time again:

There is always cause for hope.

Not because things look promising, but because we have a Saviour, and we are here to learn. The point of any learning experience, whether failure or hardship, or suffering of some other kind, is to reach a state of humility in ourselves and before God, and to determine to become more obedient, more loving, and more willing to submit our will to His. A greater commitment: this is the point. Not condemnation, shame, guilt, and so on. Just love. Fear and self-hatred are Satan’s tools.

God will not stop loving me because I’m not being very courageous. He wants me to become more courageous; therefore, He will help me to become more courageous. He will not give me stones because I lack some essential trait yet, or the level of it I should have. He will give me the thing I need – the thing that will help me improve. Anything else would be pointless. He will do what will lead to the result that’s needed.

I know that for myself, given my responsive temperament, I can’t actually reprimand myself into goodness or success. I do it all the time, because it’s what I learnt, but it’s the opposite of what works. I can only love myself into it – by loving God more, because He is loving, and when I love Him more, I receive more of His love (because I’m open to it and can receive it), and His love is always whatever is for my good.

Changing – improving – is essential. We must make progress. There’s an enormously long way to go. But there are two very important things to know:

1. We are not on our own. This is the very reason our Saviour came to earth; the very reason for the Gift of the Holy Ghost to guide us on our journeys. With God, our best efforts are enough – and our weak efforts will become better. His grace completes our efforts, and makes what is wholly inadequate enough. Our desires are what matter most (these are, of course, more than feelings and vague wishes; they are our central, driving force). These, too, God makes holy over time.
2. There are two ways to do this: send hatred and recrimination our way for failing, again, or pick ourselves up, consider what went wrong, and make a new plan. The first leads downwards; the other opens our hearts and minds to light, hope, and improvement. This is a state God can work with.